One year.

A year really makes a difference. In one year, a WHOLE lot can change. In just 365 days I went through a complete metamorphosis that, to this day, still amazes me. June 2007 I made a life changing decision that set in motion this transformation. I was scared, and reckless, and I fumbled through and came out on the other side, a little wearier, a little braver, but alive nonetheless :)

By September, I put a stop to one of the BIGGEST mistakes I have EVER made in my life. My dear readers, let me tell you a little secret...I had an affair. A Full-on, lowest of the low, scum of the earth kind of affair. And that's exactly how I felt, the entire time. I try to look back on it as a very important lesson learned. I learned that there is NO substitute for the truth. I learned that nobody deserves to be treated with blatant disregard and deceit. I learned that a catalyst for a change isn't always the way to go. I needed a way out of something I wasn't happy in, and instead of trusting my gut-instinct, I took the coward's way out and did something that goes completely against my morals and beliefs. I used this affair as a way to back out of an engagement that I was miserable in, and I hurt SO many people in the process.

Since then, I've had many soul-searching days, asking God for forgiveness and trying to make peace with a very dark side of myself that I never thought I'd have to confront. I've come to terms with my actions, and I've put it behind me in order to start moving forward, towards the better things I knew my life had to offer.

During that six months, I barely recognized myself. Who was this girl sneaking around, lying to people I love, running from the one person I should have been turning to? I felt terrible. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I couldn't stop. I couldn't face what the real issue was.

My parents have always taught me to follow my heart, but I know during that time, whatever was in my heart that I was following was evil and self-destructive. Once I admitted what I had done, I only sunk deeper. I know people that I love and respect were so disappointed in me, but somehow, even THAT didn't make me stop.

I believe life is a journey, one we must make on our own at times. Even if there are red flags and huge signs right in front of our eyes warning us "beware" and "turn back", sometimes we have to find out the hard way. I wish that I had learned these lessons a different way. I'm not a stupid person, I just do stupid things sometimes. Isn't that one of our greatest weaknesses as a human being? Knowing something is wrong, and doing it anyway?

At this point, I'm glad I can look back and know that I've come so far. I'm glad that I have the knowledge and understanding to know that what I did was wrong, and not be a person who makes excuses to make themselves feel better about something stupid they did.

I know I will never sink that low again. I know I will never hurt myself and others like that again. It feels cleansing to write this. To affirm that I know I've come so far from a rock-bottom I will never come close to glimpsing again. I owe it to myself, and to the people I love and care about to never dwell in that place of sin again.

A big weight is lifted, and I knew that once I could admit this to my readers (if you're still out there...) that I could begin to regroup and move forward with this story.

Thanks for reading.

-B