A year really makes a difference. In one year, a WHOLE lot can change. In just 365 days I went through a complete metamorphosis that, to this day, still amazes me. June 2007 I made a life changing decision that set in motion this transformation. I was scared, and reckless, and I fumbled through and came out on the other side, a little wearier, a little braver, but alive nonetheless :)
By September, I put a stop to one of the BIGGEST mistakes I have EVER made in my life. My dear readers, let me tell you a little secret...I had an affair. A Full-on, lowest of the low, scum of the earth kind of affair. And that's exactly how I felt, the entire time. I try to look back on it as a very important lesson learned. I learned that there is NO substitute for the truth. I learned that nobody deserves to be treated with blatant disregard and deceit. I learned that a catalyst for a change isn't always the way to go. I needed a way out of something I wasn't happy in, and instead of trusting my gut-instinct, I took the coward's way out and did something that goes completely against my morals and beliefs. I used this affair as a way to back out of an engagement that I was miserable in, and I hurt SO many people in the process.
Since then, I've had many soul-searching days, asking God for forgiveness and trying to make peace with a very dark side of myself that I never thought I'd have to confront. I've come to terms with my actions, and I've put it behind me in order to start moving forward, towards the better things I knew my life had to offer.
During that six months, I barely recognized myself. Who was this girl sneaking around, lying to people I love, running from the one person I should have been turning to? I felt terrible. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I couldn't stop. I couldn't face what the real issue was.
My parents have always taught me to follow my heart, but I know during that time, whatever was in my heart that I was following was evil and self-destructive. Once I admitted what I had done, I only sunk deeper. I know people that I love and respect were so disappointed in me, but somehow, even THAT didn't make me stop.
I believe life is a journey, one we must make on our own at times. Even if there are red flags and huge signs right in front of our eyes warning us "beware" and "turn back", sometimes we have to find out the hard way. I wish that I had learned these lessons a different way. I'm not a stupid person, I just do stupid things sometimes. Isn't that one of our greatest weaknesses as a human being? Knowing something is wrong, and doing it anyway?
At this point, I'm glad I can look back and know that I've come so far. I'm glad that I have the knowledge and understanding to know that what I did was wrong, and not be a person who makes excuses to make themselves feel better about something stupid they did.
I know I will never sink that low again. I know I will never hurt myself and others like that again. It feels cleansing to write this. To affirm that I know I've come so far from a rock-bottom I will never come close to glimpsing again. I owe it to myself, and to the people I love and care about to never dwell in that place of sin again.
A big weight is lifted, and I knew that once I could admit this to my readers (if you're still out there...) that I could begin to regroup and move forward with this story.
Thanks for reading.
-B
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Hello, again...
It has been so long since I've written on this blog. A lot has happened in that time. The main thing being that The Boyfriend is now The Fiance, having proposed back in March. We just had our one year anniversary on Monday, October 13th. Some people may think that being engaged after only 6 months is a huge mistake and a judgment lapse, but I can assure you, it is more right than I can explain.
My main reason for starting this blog was to tell my story about the rocky relationship with The Ex, but after writing for a couple months, it became clear that it was doing more harm than good in my current relationship. I think the fact that we had just started out together, and were still finding our foothold in the partnership maybe made things feel a little uncertain when it came to me spilling my guts about a past relationship. We've since worked past that, and are all the more strong for all of the experiences we've had since then.
I have discovered a whole other side to myself in this relationship. I've learned that good, healthy communication is key and that sharing yourself with another person completely can be rewarding and just plain awesome!
The title of this blog is "The Runaway Bride: Tales From the Edge and Back"...well, I'm starting my journey to the "and Back" part, but there is still so much to say.
So, I'm back. For better or worse, this story will get told, including a re-cap of the last AMAZING year.
My main reason for starting this blog was to tell my story about the rocky relationship with The Ex, but after writing for a couple months, it became clear that it was doing more harm than good in my current relationship. I think the fact that we had just started out together, and were still finding our foothold in the partnership maybe made things feel a little uncertain when it came to me spilling my guts about a past relationship. We've since worked past that, and are all the more strong for all of the experiences we've had since then.
I have discovered a whole other side to myself in this relationship. I've learned that good, healthy communication is key and that sharing yourself with another person completely can be rewarding and just plain awesome!
The title of this blog is "The Runaway Bride: Tales From the Edge and Back"...well, I'm starting my journey to the "and Back" part, but there is still so much to say.
So, I'm back. For better or worse, this story will get told, including a re-cap of the last AMAZING year.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Co-habitating with The Ex
April asked "What was it like living together?"
Making the decision to live together was a pretty big deal for both of us. I am fairly certain that The Ex was ready to move in together before I had really warmed up to the idea. He wasn't very happy in his current living situation and I think that had a lot of weight on his decision that he was ready to take that next step. In fact, not long after we got engaged, we started looking for houses together, even going so far as to put a bid on one. Except I completely panicked. I wasn't ready at all. I felt really pressured to make this huge leap, and to act like it was what I wanted as well. And I DID want it, just not RIGHT then.
We waited a while longer, knowing that it wasn't something we should do if only one of us were truly okay with it. Actually, during that time, The Ex ended up breaking the engagement (but that's another entry altogether.)
When we both finally decided that we were ready, we moved in together. At first, it almost felt like we were a couple of little kids, playing house. Living together definitely had it's ups and downs. We tried to arrange some sort of "chores list" and divide it evenly, but we didn't always end up sticking to that. I quickly learned that this person I was living with was completely anal about things. The hardest thing about that was feeling like I would never measure up to his standards. For example, we did all the grocery shopping together. When we got home, I was quickly ushered from the kitchen so he could put all the groceries away. When I came back, HOLY ORGANIZED GROCERIES, Batman!! It was like we had a little section of Kroger right there in our kitchen. I admit, it made things easy to find, but I had to wonder a little about a guy who would take so much time making sure that the canned goods were organized by height and alphabetized (slight exaggeration here hehehehe).
It was pretty easy for us to agree on decor. We both liked neutral things, so that helped. Of course, I had to add those extra little touches that really make a house feel like home. I arranged candles and whatnot on the tables in a way that I thought looked pulled together, but creative at the same time. On weekends when we'd do chores, The Ex would be dusting and I'd come back to find all the candles lined up and pushed to the back edge of the tables. BORING. I wouldn't say anything, happy to have his help with chores, but I'd always end up moving them back only to have him move them again the next weekend. These kinds of silent battles went on constantly. But I suppose those are just the little quirks about somebody that you learn to live with...or not.
We didn't fight often about things like cleaning, but one of the BIGGEST fights we had was about laundry. It was horrible. If you've ever had anyone make you feel like complete crap over something so stupid and petty, you know what I mean. The Ex had this way of making me feel like I couldn't do anything right. Let me start by saying that I know how to do laundry. I lived away at college and I did my own laundry all the time. In fact, a CHIMP can do laundry. It isn't exactly brain surgery. The Laundry Fight of 2007 started because of a defective Downy Ball. For 3 loads in a row, that damn contraption refused to disperse it's fabric softener insides onto our clothes. At that point, I was so frustrated...I didn't want CRISPY clothes, I wanted SOFT ones. The Ex happened to be standing by me when I was pulling the Kentucky Fried clothes from the washing machine and I mentioned to him that the Ball of Doom wasn't working. Immediately he laid into me, saying it didn't work because I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DO LAUNDRY! What the hell?? Had I not been doing his laundry for the past 5 months?! Who did he think did it?? The laundry fairy?
This was basically the most retarded fight I had ever been involved in to this day. It definitely made me realize that choosing to live with your significant other isn't something that should be taken lightly. This is where the virtue Patience really comes into play. Did you ever notice how in that verse from the Bible about "Love is..." PATIENCE is mentioned FIRST AND FOREMOST?! Well, that is for a darn good reason. You better have boat loads of patience if you are going to share your space with another person. I also learned that it's important to choose your battles.
Sure, it's annoying to have someone critique your methods on things you've been doing for a long time. And you'll get sick of the way a person piles their clothes in a corner after taking them off. But there are bigger things to spend your time on. Living together was NOT always easy. It's a good idea to have some room in the house where you can go be by yourself and just do your own thing for a while. Living with the person you love the most can be a lot of fun, too, if you remember that it's something you are BOTH in together.
I'm not sure if moving in with The Ex was detrimental to our relationship, and I'll never know, but I do think that we both learned a lot from that experience, and any lesson learned is a good one.
Patience and compromise. Those are the TWO biggest things you'll learn about living with someone else.
Oh, and that the granola bars always go to the left of the crackers.
Making the decision to live together was a pretty big deal for both of us. I am fairly certain that The Ex was ready to move in together before I had really warmed up to the idea. He wasn't very happy in his current living situation and I think that had a lot of weight on his decision that he was ready to take that next step. In fact, not long after we got engaged, we started looking for houses together, even going so far as to put a bid on one. Except I completely panicked. I wasn't ready at all. I felt really pressured to make this huge leap, and to act like it was what I wanted as well. And I DID want it, just not RIGHT then.
We waited a while longer, knowing that it wasn't something we should do if only one of us were truly okay with it. Actually, during that time, The Ex ended up breaking the engagement (but that's another entry altogether.)
When we both finally decided that we were ready, we moved in together. At first, it almost felt like we were a couple of little kids, playing house. Living together definitely had it's ups and downs. We tried to arrange some sort of "chores list" and divide it evenly, but we didn't always end up sticking to that. I quickly learned that this person I was living with was completely anal about things. The hardest thing about that was feeling like I would never measure up to his standards. For example, we did all the grocery shopping together. When we got home, I was quickly ushered from the kitchen so he could put all the groceries away. When I came back, HOLY ORGANIZED GROCERIES, Batman!! It was like we had a little section of Kroger right there in our kitchen. I admit, it made things easy to find, but I had to wonder a little about a guy who would take so much time making sure that the canned goods were organized by height and alphabetized (slight exaggeration here hehehehe).
It was pretty easy for us to agree on decor. We both liked neutral things, so that helped. Of course, I had to add those extra little touches that really make a house feel like home. I arranged candles and whatnot on the tables in a way that I thought looked pulled together, but creative at the same time. On weekends when we'd do chores, The Ex would be dusting and I'd come back to find all the candles lined up and pushed to the back edge of the tables. BORING. I wouldn't say anything, happy to have his help with chores, but I'd always end up moving them back only to have him move them again the next weekend. These kinds of silent battles went on constantly. But I suppose those are just the little quirks about somebody that you learn to live with...or not.
We didn't fight often about things like cleaning, but one of the BIGGEST fights we had was about laundry. It was horrible. If you've ever had anyone make you feel like complete crap over something so stupid and petty, you know what I mean. The Ex had this way of making me feel like I couldn't do anything right. Let me start by saying that I know how to do laundry. I lived away at college and I did my own laundry all the time. In fact, a CHIMP can do laundry. It isn't exactly brain surgery. The Laundry Fight of 2007 started because of a defective Downy Ball. For 3 loads in a row, that damn contraption refused to disperse it's fabric softener insides onto our clothes. At that point, I was so frustrated...I didn't want CRISPY clothes, I wanted SOFT ones. The Ex happened to be standing by me when I was pulling the Kentucky Fried clothes from the washing machine and I mentioned to him that the Ball of Doom wasn't working. Immediately he laid into me, saying it didn't work because I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DO LAUNDRY! What the hell?? Had I not been doing his laundry for the past 5 months?! Who did he think did it?? The laundry fairy?
This was basically the most retarded fight I had ever been involved in to this day. It definitely made me realize that choosing to live with your significant other isn't something that should be taken lightly. This is where the virtue Patience really comes into play. Did you ever notice how in that verse from the Bible about "Love is..." PATIENCE is mentioned FIRST AND FOREMOST?! Well, that is for a darn good reason. You better have boat loads of patience if you are going to share your space with another person. I also learned that it's important to choose your battles.
Sure, it's annoying to have someone critique your methods on things you've been doing for a long time. And you'll get sick of the way a person piles their clothes in a corner after taking them off. But there are bigger things to spend your time on. Living together was NOT always easy. It's a good idea to have some room in the house where you can go be by yourself and just do your own thing for a while. Living with the person you love the most can be a lot of fun, too, if you remember that it's something you are BOTH in together.
I'm not sure if moving in with The Ex was detrimental to our relationship, and I'll never know, but I do think that we both learned a lot from that experience, and any lesson learned is a good one.
Patience and compromise. Those are the TWO biggest things you'll learn about living with someone else.
Oh, and that the granola bars always go to the left of the crackers.
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