The Things We Let Ourselves Overlook

Sometimes in relationships it's easy to ignore the enormous red flags that are so obvious that they practically slap us in the face. WHY do we do this? Is it that whole "love is blind" aspect of the relationship? And do any of us TRULY believe love is blind? I would say the adage "love is in denial" is more accurate. Saying love is blind implies that there is simply NO knowledge of the wrongdoings of our lover at all. Saying love is in denial implies that we know EXACTLY what is going on, that we feel every transgression and sleight, and still choose to ignore it in the name of love.
Normally after a relationship is over, it's easy to inventory and catalog all the hurtful, crazy, horrible and vile things our ex has done to us. It's easy to pinpoint exactly what happened to cause a shift in the way the relationship functioned. After my relationship with The Ex was over, I actually found myself saying "yes, right there, right that VERY second, the rift opened up." Sadly, this rift occured when our relationship was still in it's forming stages, and while I was not completely innocent myself, it was he, not I, who pulled the single thread that unraveled everything...

The Ex and I started dating in August 2002. In a few short weeks, I was leaving for college and wasn't terribly keen on jumping into something serious. But he came along. He was my complete and exact opposite in most ways. While I do believe that opposites attract to some extent, having similarities really does come in handy. You need to have your personality-paths cross at some point, otherwise you are eternally running parallel to each other.

I left for school, and things were okay for a while. It was strange getting used to doing the "long-distance relationship" thing, but we made it work. I was only living an hour away, and we both made time to see each other on weekends. By January we considered ourselves exclusive. February came around, and we made plans for Valentine's Day. (My memory gets a little cloudy here, as it often does when we have tried to block something out for so long.) Less than a week after Valentine's Day, I was at school, getting ready for some big tests I had coming up when I received an Instant Message from The Ex, telling me we needed to talk. Now, most of you know that NOTHING GOOD comes of a conversation that starts off this way. Ever. I called him immediately, and I could hear the slightest change in his voice. Something big had happened. I begged for him to tell me whatever it was he had to say, and he insisted that he had to tell me in person. I dropped everything and drove an hour home where he was waiting for me. We went for a drive, and only made it about a mile away from my house before he dropped the bomb...

He had slept with someone else.

I just couldn't believe it. I couldn't wrap my mind around the idea of someone, who just told me a few weeks earlier that he loved me, completely betraying my trust that way. I felt my eyes fill with tears, but I REFUSED to let him see me cry. I asked him to pull over his car and I got out and walked the rest of the way home.

In short, that was Red Flag numero uno. But, as betrayed lovers often do, I forgave him. But I could never forget. There was always that nagging little voice in the back of my mind, reminding me over and over that he could do it again. And maybe that isn't entirely fair of me, to offer up a second chance, but still not truly ever let it go.
That one little transgression on his part, no, not little, MONUMENTAL...set in motion a slippery slide to the detriment of our relationship. The seed of doubt was planted, and in my mind, a jungle sprang forth.

Doubt and mistrust will destroy a relationship faster than anything else, but you don't always see the effects until it's too late.

A little honesty goes a long way.

I really didn't want to mix topics here, but recent awesome-nosity in the new relationship department is causing some SERIOUS writer's block on this end.

It is VERY hard to write about the tumultuous crap that The Ex has put me through when I am on Cloud-9 with The Boyfriend. You would think that such a stark difference between the two would send me reeling with tons of new material to regale you with. Unfortunately, that is just not the case.

Maybe it's the holiday season that has put me in such a fibbity-fabulous mood that I can't be bothered to drudge up the past and relive that dark time right now. It is true that angst and sadness are the best muses, and my dark muse is LONG gone at the moment.

So, until that shadow comes wandering back in, I'll hold off on updating. This journal is meant to be a true account of the roller-coaster that was the last 5 years of my life, and I don't want to let anything muddle that up.

Good morning, can I muddle up your life?

I have been trying to figure out how to best go about organizing this new blog. I know my main focus here is going to be telling the story of how I became a Runaway Bride. However, I think I will get too bogged down if I try to tell it from the beginning all in one straight shot, so I'll probably bounce around quite a bit. And guess what...I'm allowed to do that, because it's MY blog. :p

This morning, right as I got into work (late.) I received a text message from someone unexpected...The Dreaded X. It said "Could you stay outta my dreams already?" Hmph. Well. Could you stay out of my INBOX already! Since calling off the wedding almost 6 months ago, our conversation has mostly been limited to discussing the house we're trying to sell, and that is just fine by me. I am perfectly okay with not talking to him. On the other hand, it seems he always manages to find some way to contact me every so often. Just when my life is flowing along smoothly, not a care in the world, BAM! I'm hit with some completely random email, text, phone call that I could have done without. As much as I've tried to ignore it, it somehow always manages to knock me off balance. If any of you have any of those lingering ex's out there, you know what I'm talking about. The ex's that always manage to pop up again when it is least conveniant. It's like they have some sixth sense about when your life is going so great and some little alarm goes off signaling them to come crashing in again, mucking everything up.

This particular breed of ex, the Ex Fiance, is an especially stubborn one. For weeks after we broke up, he would call me, begging for another chance. Even going so far as showing up at my office and actually getting on his knees in front of the building, lip trembling, asking me to change my mind. It was something right out of a movie. Not one of those adorable Romantic Comedies, for sure. More like the most PAINFULLY embarrassing scene in the WORST B-movie sob-fest that you've ever seen. It wast the kind of thing that leaves you pleading with the other person to just stop making you have to be so cruel to them in order to get your point across.

Now, don't go feeling all bad for The Ex just yet, homeboy turned into a Drama Queen in the first degree. About a month after I actually moved out of the house, he would call me to tell me that he had slept with someone else. Great! Wonderful! GOOOD for you. Except, he then called me back to tell me he was lieing, and just wanted to see my reaction. What the hell? My co-worker, Joy, and I have a word for this: Menotional. It is when MEN get all wah, wah, dippy-downer and start doing and saying things so dramatic and out of character that you are left entirely speechless and just shaking your head in wonder.

It's also the kind of behavior that made me breathe a HUGE sigh of relief at getting out when I did...

In the Beginning...

So, as first posts go, I'm going to keep this one short and sweet. This is the open-ended story of my journey from single girl, to girlfriend, to fiance, to ALMOST bride...and back again.

This journey hasn't been an easy one, but isn't that the way of most journeys? If it were easy, it would probably be called a "jaunt" or a "stroll", but this is definitely "journey" status, at least in my opinion.

Come along readers, it's going to be a bumpy ride. But this is my story, and I'm ready to tell it, if you're ready to listen...